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Jadecavy · Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:39 pm Post subject: Daily Jokes

Every day, I will find a joke and add it on to here. Feel free to comment.

Today:
Kids are so innocent...
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused,then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: `Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken!`"

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WarnD · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:44 am Post subject:

I didn't "lol" but it was pretty funny.Looking forward to others.EVERY DAY!lol
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[size=9231]MADE BY THE FRICKEN AWESOME WarnD!^^[/size=9231]

[size=99]MADE BY THE FRICKEN AWESOME FRODO!^^[/size=99]

Jadecavy · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:00 pm Post subject:

I have now changed it so it is joke, pic and proverb of the day.
Pic:

Joke:
"You've Got Mail"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Proverbs (3 a day):

1. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

2. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

3. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

I have numbered each proverb. Please feel free to rank the joke, pic and proverbs from one to ten.

Also, is it ok if I double post on here if nobody else has posted between each joke? Thank you.
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Frodo · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:14 pm Post subject:

Picture: 8/10
Joke: 6/10
P1: 3/10
P2: 9/10
P3: 7/10
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Daily Short

Jadecavy · Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:18 am Post subject:

Nov. 30, 2007:

Pic:

Joke:
**** Happens

These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are...

Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "**** happens"

1. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

2. Man who fight with wife all day gets no piece at night.

3. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Frodo · Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 3:34 pm Post subject:

The picture doesn't work for me.
Joke: 10/10
Proverbs: 6/10
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Daily Short

Jadecavy · Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 6:37 pm Post subject:

Dec. 1, 2007:

(countdown begins! 25...)
Between the 24th and the 26th, no jokes will be posted.

Pic:

Joke:
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were they and he said on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."

Proverbs:
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

3. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Should I replace any type with a video, or just add a video? Please tell me what you think.
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Jadecavy · Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 9:42 pm Post subject:

Dec. 2, 2007:

Pic:

Joke:
My mother taught me to read when I was four Years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one Of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my Mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the Bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, She told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It' s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle And his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for All of us while they were gone.

Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and Immediately burst into laughter. Next came his Wife who gasped, then began giggling... Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment When she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with The fork carefully arranged on top. I had even Tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the Edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, My response sent the other adults into further fits of Laughter.

"But, Mom, you said they were for special Occasions!!! "

Proverbs:

1. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

2. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

3. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

I noticed that I am double posting, but I am hoping that this is all right for this occasion, since nobody has yet posted for the other ones.[/img]
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Jadecavy · Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 4:21 pm Post subject:

Dec. 3, 2007 (22):

Pic:

Joke:
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered i nto the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The per centage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their ca lendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Proverbs:

1. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

2. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

3. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

That's the last of the proverbs, starting tomorow I will start adding videos.

I noticed that I am triple posting, but I am hoping that this is all right for this occasion, since nobody has yet posted for the other ones.[/
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corncornrocks · Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 12:59 am Post subject:

it is possible to lick ur elbow

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